you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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