FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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