onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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