normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
