Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
