The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
