I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
