i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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