my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
