You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
