lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
