I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
