I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
