you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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