He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
