my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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