4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
