someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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