the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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