Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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