haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
