I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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