he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
