How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
