I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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