Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
