Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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