im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
