Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
