I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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