I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
