I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
