wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
NoShamevember. You game?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
