My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
