omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
