Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
