I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
