This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
