He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
