Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
