So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
