why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
