ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize