first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Randomize
