Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
So. Much. Porn.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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