i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
