Swine flu. Run for my life!
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
