How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
