Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
