With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
