as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
