My room smells like vodka and shame
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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