you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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