Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
