You work out of a Hotel?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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