I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
