i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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