my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
either way he was missing a nipple.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My ass is underappreciated
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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