It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
