Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
