I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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