bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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