I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
