just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
