I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
