My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
