my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
