My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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