sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
