I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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