Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
